Connection Comes Before Compliance
Are you tired of repeating directions? Do you feel like you are nagging? Does everything turn into a power struggle?
You can break free from nagging and power struggles! Here's a boost of confidence, 3 strategies, and support and accountability you can use today to build connection your children need to support compliance you are seeking.
Trying to convince children you are right or demanding they do as you say doesn't teach children to accept boundaries and follow through. Instead, it exhausts you, your children’s trust in you, and their confidence in their capability.
There has to be a better way. It's called connection. Building connection is more powerful and effective than trying to convince children to do something or demanding their compliance. Connection comes before compliance.
Trying to convince a 2 year old he does not want candy because he will get a belly ache later and a cavity in 6 months creates a power struggle rather than connection. Holding space for the 2 year old's feelings while holding a boundary to keep his body safe prevent a power struggle and build connection.
Yes/And is a great strategy for holding space and holding boundaries. You could say to the 2 year old "You are sad because you really want candy now. AND it's almost time for dinner." You are saying yes to his feelings, which are very real to him, and holding a real boundary.
Structured Choice allows you to hold the boundary while giving your child an element of choice. In this case, your could tell the 2 year old "If you are hungry before dinner, your choices are carrots or apple."
When cleaning up, doing homework, or getting in pajamas are contingent on you convincing your children to do so or demanding their compliance, they likely won't happen. Especially not with consistency.
When/Then statements build connection and create contingencies rather than try to convince. Here are some examples: "When you clean up the dinosaurs, then you can choose another game" and "When your math worksheet is done, then you may watch one episode" and "When your pajamas are on, then we can read two bedtime stories."
Support and accountability: Demands are desperate. When people threaten children or demand their compliance, they have already given over power to struggle, not connection.
Accountability is love in action. Providing structure and support helps children show respect for themselves and others and do their best. Investing in support and accountability up front will save you a lot of struggle later.
So, if you “have to” tell your child eight times, try getting your child’s attention before giving a direction and be prepared with support and accountability to follow through the first time. You can say "When you are dressed for school, then you may play on your iPad" AND provide support and accountability by holding the iPad while they get dressed.
What would you do with the time and energy you save when you stop repeating yourself or nagging your children to do something? Learn more time and sanity saving strategies for building connection that supports compliance at www.learnplaygrowconsulting.com.
Join the Learn Play Grow newsletter to receive your FREE Power of Play Guide, and follow Learn Play Grow on Facebook and Instagram and YouTube.