Why Is My Child in Charge?
Rebecca in a flannel shirt with a yellow tutu on her head and a red Spider Man cape over her shoulder
Is your child in charge? Does everything seem like a battle? As your children's and students' gentle leader, you have the right and responsibility to set loving limits to bring back joy and jumpstart learning!
Claire Lerner, LCSW is one of my favorite parenting and teacher coaching resources. In her book Why Is My Child In Charge?, Claire shares 8 mindsets and accompanying mindshifts to create better relationships and more peaceful lives at home and at schools. This excerpt from her newsletter summarizes them brilliantly:
Mindset: My child is misbehaving on purpose. He should be able to accept limits and exhibit greater self-control
Mindshift: My child is driven by his emotions and desires and needs help to learn to follow rules and cope with frustration and disappointment.
Mindset: When my child tries to get his way, he is being manipulative.
Mindshift: My child is being strategic, not manipulative. He is doing exactly what the DNA of a toddler or preschooler dictates—to find ways to assert control over his world.
Mindset: I can control and change my child’s feelings and behavior. I can make him behave.
Mindshift: I can not control my child’s words or actions or make him do anything - sleep, eat, not thrown a tantrum, agree to get in the car seat, pee in the potty, and so on. Children, like all humans, are the only ones who control their words and actions. What I do control is my own reactions, which shapes my child’s behavior.
Mindset: Experiencing difficult emotions, such as sadness, fear, and anger, is harmful to my child.
Mindshift: Feelings are not good or bad, right or wrong. Difficult feelings are part of being human. I need to acknowledge, accept, and help my child learn to manage her emotions.
Mindset: It is mean and rejecting to not give my child what he says he wants and needs. The tantrums that ensue when he doesn’t get what he wants are detrimental to him.
Mindshift: Just because my child doesn’t embrace them doesn’t mean that limits and boundaries are not good for him. The tantrums that ensue when my child doesn’t get something he wants are not harmful to him.
Mindset: Experiencing failure is harmful for my child.
Mindshift: Failure is critical for learning and growing, as well as for building resilience. Rescuing my child will not help her develop self-confidence or grit.
Mindset: Providing children clear directions and expectations is being harsh and dictatorial.
Mindshift: Young children thrive when they know exactly what to expect.
Mindset: My child harbors malicious intent when she is aggressive with her words and actions.
Mindshift: My child doesn’t literally mean the things she says and does when she is triggered. Her “reactive” brain is in control in these moments, and she is just purging emotion.
I see these mindsets and support these mindshifts every day in parent and teacher coaching. Here are my top 5 reframes for translating this wisdom into action:
Reframe "attention-seeking" to "connection-seeking."
Connection comes before cooperation, so give the attention needed to build connection before giving directions or redirection.
Reframe "giving you a hard time" to "having a hard time."
There are no bad children, only good children having bad days. Give them, and you, grace.
Reframe "will not" to "cannot"
Children do well when they can, so when they struggle, focus on giving support and teaching skills rather than "shoulding."
Reframe "good vibes only" into "feel it to heal it."
Children (and adults) have a right to their feelings. Help them feel it to heal it rather than talking them out of how their feelings.
Reframe discipline from "to" to "within."
Discipline is what we cultivate in children, not what we do to them. Focus on solutions and skills rather than consequences and punishment.
In addition to the wisdom shared in her book, Claire Lerner also has a brilliant blog, and she is an expert in understanding and supporting Highly Sensitive Children, whose temperament includes strengths in deep processing and empathy and challenges with overwhelm and big emotional responses.
Check out Why Is My Child In Charge? and other books and podcasts on the Learn Play Grow resource page, and connect with me for support on how to put this wisdom into action to support your family or school. You can do it, and I can help!
Stay tuned to Learn Play Grow for more support on how to trust yourself, honor the learning journey, and focus on growth over perfection. Join the Learn Play Grow newsletter to receive your FREE Power of Play Guide, and follow Learn Play Grow on Facebook and Instagram and YouTube.