First validate, then problem-solve
We have all experienced a little one screaming because another child took a toy. You are not alone. It’s universal.
Validation is also universal. BOTH the screaming child AND the child who took the toy need validation to move forward.
This 4 step process validates each child’s emotions, helps children understand each other, and works collaboratively to problem solve.
Step 1: Help EACH child feel seen, heard, and understood
For the child crying or screaming “It’s not fair!” we can validate by saying “You are feeling angry because your toy was taken. You were building something special. This feels really hard now.”
For the child who took the toy, we can validate by saying “You really wanted to play with the toy. You love to build with toys and build towers.”
Step 2: Help the children understand EACH OTHER
Once the supportive adult has taken BOTH perspectives and validated EACH child’s emotions, then the adult can help the children validate EACH OTHER.
The crying child can be supported in expressing “I am feeling angry because you took the toy. I did not want you to do that.” Or we can narrate “I see Kai is crying and feeling angry after you took the toy.”
The child who took the toy can be supported in expressing their intention “I really wanted to build with the toy” and acknowledging their impact “and Kai feels angry because I took it without asking.” Or we can narrate “I see Noa really wanted to play with the toy, and you forgot to ask before taking.”
Step 3: Problem-solve TOGETHER
After the children have validated, or at least had the opportunity to share AND listen, each other’s feelings, Then we can help them problem-solve.
The children may be able to problem-solve themselves. Or we can guide them by saying “If you want to play with something, what can you do?”
Children have brilliant ideas, so hold space for the suggestions. They may come up with language, gestures, pictures, or other strategies to communicate about sharing.
Step 4: Put problem-solving into ACTION
Practice strategies, especially those proposed by the children, through role playing to support understanding and reassure both children that they can feel seen, heard, and understood.
Each child can practice requesting AND listening to and honoring the request or setting a boundary (“I’m not read to share right now. I will share in 3 minutes or after 1 ABC song”). Make sure it goes both ways!
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